That old saying about if you love something set it free is bullshit. If you love something and it wants to leave you then fucking let it, because clearly it doesn’t love you back.
In other news, I hate hate hate cold weather. It has moved up to number two on my Top Three Things I Hate More Than Terrorism list, second only to onions and coming in ahead of being asked “oh so you’re going to teach?” when I tell someone I have a degree in history.
When I was 18 I was ready to go
Now I’m 23 and I just don’t know
What the fuck am I doing with my life?
And it’s hard to see when you’re underwater
There’s the surface and if you just try harder
Maybe you could reach the top for some air
But instead you just take this bottle
“I’m so fucked up” has become your motto
Wrists and knives are your supporting cast
…
He replaced his fears with bars and beer
Reorder his songs with a feigned blissful cheer
Though his feeligs retreat with every drink
And he knows she’s gonna go out tonight
With her hair that’s tinted and a beer that’s light
She knows she’s a slut but shell never admit to it
1 2 3 4 5 am
Pass the bottle another one night stand
6 7 8 9 10
Finish the bottle and end the weekend
So I just found a WordPress application for my iPhone. Now it’s legit — I’m a blogger.
i can’t cook. seriously. past eggs and ramen noodles (which are both iffy from time to time) i absolutely live off of things that are either placed easily into the microwave or are purchased from someone kind enough to prepare the food for me. i know people say “anyone can cook! all you have to do is follow the recipe!” but really. i’m not all that good at following directions, coupled with my intense ADD-induced aversion to the kitchen in general (it’s always the messiest room in the house and therefore not the place i’d prefer to be) means i can’t cook. which is just one of the many reasons why i will probably never get married. if the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, then he’ll be more likely to fall in love with that freckle-faced bitch ginger wendy (although, to be fair, her spicy chicken sandwiches are todiefor.)
i bring this up because i feel the need to share with you (and i mean that in the singular form) at home there what catastrophe the “meal” i am trying to choke down at this particular moment is. so last week i went over to my friend jamie’s house and his girlfriend was eating something of his own culinary creation. it looked quite good and, upon stealing a bite (she’s much smaller than me.. i’m higher on the food chain), found it was quite delicious, as well! i asked what it was. “stoner spaghetti.” of course.
it’s so easy, he said. it’s impossible to screw up, he said. plus it’s cheap, requires only ingredients that i already have, and is super quick. too good to be true.
basically the recipe calls for cooking ramen (yes, those tasty ramen noodles that, for sixteen cents a package, single-handedly kept every college kid on the planet from starving), draining the water, adding velveeta cheese and rotel or salsa, mixing the fuck out of it, and enjoying. like i said, too good to be true.
usually the word “coagulate” makes me think of blood. no longer is that the case, because that’s exactly what my dinner is doing. and the squishing sounds it emits (probably cries for help or self-loathing) when i try to saw off a piece to put on a tortilla chip (it’s not fooling anyone) makes me gag a little.
it’s a good thing i’ve got papa john’s on speed dial.
so i just got back from florida. it was great, great fun. i fell in love not once but twice. first, with the men’s olympic swim team (particularly ryan lochte and michael phelps). second, with edward cullen and, to a lesser extent, bella swan.
THAT’S RIGHT. I SAID IT. i read twilight. not only did i read twilight, i managed to knock out all four books of the series in as many days. and i loved it. i’m borderline (okay completely) obsessed. katy might as well have introduced me to black tar heroin because i’m HOOKED. sigh. i’m completely okay with my addiction, except that i crave MORE. the movie comes out at the end of november, which is exciting, except that i think the guy who plays James is hotter than the guy who plays Edward.. whatever.
what else do i love these days? mirah. cold cold water is perfect and everyone needs to listen to it. it was not actually written about my life, so don’t be startled by all the similarities. 
I saddled up my pony right
And rode into the ghostly night
It was wide, wide open, wide, wide open
I left the only home I knew
I stayed alive and I found you
Now I take you where the water’s deep
And make the air you breathe so sweet
But is it not enough to be complete? Please?
Let me give you everything you need, please?
We found a way, we found a street
Directions sweat under the sheets
And I let you have it, let you have it
But it can be a lonely place
Desire comes, desire fades
There’s a bright one caught your fancy eye
It’s okay so long as you stay mine
And I’m so number one that it’s a shame, a shame
That you let other numbers in the game
Now I suffer for your hungry eye
Oh why must it see more than mine?
It’s a light you’re after, ’cause light moves faster
But when I ride again into the night
My torch will shoot flames strong and bright
And my absence will remind you of
How tough it is to be in love
And it’s not what I think it’s what you say, hey
And it works great for you to have your way, hey
But if the west can be a desperate place
You search all day for just a taste
Of the cold, cold water, cold, cold water
And if you think i’ve gone too long
Listen the sky will sing this song
As it burns up all the memories
That flow like water out of me
So in the middle of my bed-rest pity-party of watching endless amounts of senseless television (currently on song number 54 of CMT’s 100 Greatest Music Videos) and reading a book I’ve been working on since Spring Break, it dawned on me why I’ll never fall in love/be happy/have that ‘happy ending’ we all pretend really exists. And it has nothing to do with the expectations the mass media and Disney and blah blah blah creates for us and indoctrinates us with from an early age.
It does, however, have everything to do with my schizophrenic all-or-nothing attitude on what I want in a guy. I want a guy who is exactly like me: a walking contradiction. I want a guy who’ll get dirty working on the car, likes to drink beer and go fishing, wears camoflague, says “y’all” and still says “yes ma’am” to his mamma. I want a guy who has a big dirty four-wheel drive pick up and a shotgun. I also want a guy who can talk to me about literature and philosophy and theory and religion and history. I want a guy who will argue with me and stand his ground and yell back if it comes to it, but who will admit when he’s wrong and apologize. I want someone who knows all the words to Dixieland Delight AND any given song by whatever alt-rock band I’m digging this week. I want a guy who can handle it when I need to be the dominant alpha female in the relationship and who can hold me when I’m feeling vulnerable and small. I want a guy who will call me just to say hi but lets me have my space when I need it and knows I’ve got a life outside our relationship. I want a guy who will give me hugs when I need them simply because I need them. And to know when that is. I want a guy who will ask me about my day and genuinely be interested in it. I want someone to cook with/for, and who doesn’t mind that I’m really actually not a good cook. I want a guy who realized what my bad qualities are and not only accept them, but to love me for them anyway. And believe me, I’m kind of neurotic. I want someone who knows about my past but still wants to be a part of my future and who challenges me to use that past as motivation to move forward and not an excuse to sit still. I want someone to lay around with and watch dumb movies and TV shows we’ve seen a thousand times. I want someone to take care of and worry about and who won’t resent me for doing so. I want someone who will know the stupid little things about me – like what drink I want to order at a restaurant or that I twirl my hair with my left hand when I’m sleepy — without ever being told. I want a guy who will encourage me and remind me that I am capable of doing the things I need to do and that I don’t really need to stress out. And someone who believes in me and will be proud of me. I want a guy who will hold my hand and public and who will let me kiss him whenever I want. I want someone who’s down for whatever when I’m feelign spontaneous and want to drive to St. Louis for a weekend. I want someone who’s open to things I like and will let me listen to my music in the car. I want someone to take me camping but won’t mind that I complain a little and bring makeup. I want a guy who will push me to try new things. Who will challenege me. Who doesn’t mind that I’m kind of a dork. I want a guy who compliments me when I spend hours getting dressed up for him, but still thinks I’m pretty in ponytail and sweats.
But, like my Dad used to always remind me in high school, to the tune of a Rolling Stones song.. “You can’t always get what you want…”
on a little bit of rock & roll.
So I wasn’t kidding about getting sick. I got full-frontal bitch-slapped by some serious strep throat. I left work early on Thursday and came home to sleep it off. When I woke up a few hours later I was running a 102.6 fever. I had that until about 11:00 Friday morning (needless to say I missed work again). My throat is practically closed shut. It hurts so bad. And I feel awful cause I was supposed to go home this weekend for my dad’s birthday. 
But I can’t even imagine making that drive, plus risking getting my parents sick. Since I’m not getting paid for my sick days or the vacation I’m taking in a week, I’m going to need them to be at work covering my ass. :\ So much for financial independence.
I’d rather be sick now that in a week, for sure though. FLORIDA, HERE I COME! I can’t wait. I need a vakay, for sure. I’ve had a hell of a summer. And while it’s not quite over yet, I know that fall has better things in store.
Going to go read now. And take some antibiotics. GIve me some Get Well Soon love. I need it.
i wear new cologne. and you wouldn’t know me if your eyes were closed. (thanks john mayer!)
I don’t even know what to say about it. Maybe I won’t even bother. But I will say that I feel incredibly liberated and that all delusions and illusions have been shattered. I made the mistake of forgetting why I needed to forget him in the first place. But I’m better now, and officially ready for my happily ever after that in no way involves him.
I absolutely cannot wait to see Pineapple Express! Seth Rogan (sp?) = HILARIOUS. James Franco = my super mega hottie boyfriend. Plus it’s got “Paper Airplanes” by M.I.A. in the trailor, which is probably the most baller song I’ve heard in the last year.
What else is happening? Work is kicking my ass. Florida in nine days! I’m getting sick, yuck. CSI is an awesome show. New Project Runway tonight. Dad’s birthday this weekend. That’s all.
…is really not all it’s cracked up to be. People warned me about this “real world” thing and how bad it sucked, but I truly had no idea. I haven’t blogged in a while, but Shanna’s on this kick, so I might as well. It’ll be something else to do while I’m faking working at my “real job.”
So the last few months of my undergraduate career were spent waiting for someone to give me a diploma and a swift kick in the ass and send me on my way to, yannow, whatever magnificent things Lu Hardin said I would achieve solely because I was a UCA graduate. I turned 22, which is a completely useless age. My birthday was spent shit-hammered drunk at the VFW with a close group of around twenty people (plus their friends) that don’t usually mind being seen with me in public. Let me just say that they make Big Girl™ shots at the VFW and I, of course, would have nothing but Patron on my birthday. I was passed out by 11:45. Moving on…
I won the Ophelia Fisher award. Which is something I’m still so very proud of. For those who are unfamiliar, it’s the award for the best thesis by a graduating history senior. And I got it. I still can’t believe it. I’m so proud of myself. It was a very nice validation for all the bitching and moaning and late nights and headaches endured while I was writing it, haha..
I graduated. It was a lovely day. I love my family and my friends so much. It still hasn’t set in, though, that I have a degree, even though I have a very large and heavy frame with a very fancy piece of paper in it (with a tassell, too, just for good measure) that says so. I think this fall, which will be the first fall I don’t head back to school since I was four, will be when it really dawns on me that, unless I decide to go to grad school (which is still up in the air), I’m really never going to be a student again. To get all Green Day on you for a second… For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while.
I had a boyfriend for a while. Can you believe it?! ME?! Actually get a guy to stick around for more than some awkward drunken sex?! I know, right? Yeah. Ben Patrick. He was the apple of my eye. But like all fruit that isn’t a cantaloupe, he went bad and gave me a stomach ache. He cheated on me. Made out with his psychotic exgirlfriend on the JumboTron at a minor league baseball game. Great. Supersize my humiliation and despair, please! Whatever. To cope, I’ve spent the last two months drunk. Wish I were kidding. But it’s getting better. It took me a long time to realize that I didn’t do anything wrong. And that’s a very important lesson to learn that unfortunately many girls never will. I was the best girlfriend I could have possibly been to him. I trusted him, I loved him, I put up with his smelly kitchen and his dorky tendencies. And what I got in return was complete and total CRAP but at least I know now that I am actually capable of loving someone and not completely emotionally unavailable like I previously believed. The only thing wrong with our relationship was that he ended it. I was so happy. I thought he was, too, but apparently I’m not as perceptive as I once prided myself on being. But at least I can know that if it was that great when I only THOUGHT he loved me, when someone someday really DOES it’ll be so much better.
I also left my job at FedEx, thank WHATEVERHIGHERPOWERYOUSUBSCRIBETOHERE. I am now in Litigation at a law firm in Little Rock. It pays pretty good, eventually I’ll have benefits. I’m still not making ends meet quite yet, but I’m optimistic. My favorite part of it, though, is the people. My supervisor is probably THE coolest person I know. I didn’t believe Ren Oslica when he told me that one day I would have a boss I didn’t hate. I should have. Because Jen is awesome. And not just because she let me off to go to Florida even though I’ve only been at my job for a little less than two months. Almost all of the other people I work with are great, too. And the job is interesting, if not fun. I’m learning so much. Besides waking up ungodly early to be in Little Rock by 8:00am, there really isn’t much for me to complain about. Which is exciting, because as we all know well, I absolutely HATED my job at FedEx.
That’s pretty much it. Just working, trying to get by, having as much fun as I can when I can… I’m going to Florida in a couple weeks with the ever-amazing KT Ju, which I can tell already will be one of the bests weeks of my life.
Let me know how y’all have been doing!
So. Blogs have apparently come a long way from my xanga days. Good cause so have I. I haven’t decided yet whether I’ll use this for good or evil, or for purely boredom related purposes. In any event it will be whatever is in my head, which should be interesting cause it’s kind of a mess up there. So kick back relax and enjoy the ride. 
